Inner Demons

Depression...It's a word that hits me especially hard. Sometimes you feel fine, other times you feel like you're spiraling out of control. When the darkness sets in, it's hard to find the light. The inner demons find away to burn you up inside, make you believe things that aren't true. They take hostage of your mind and suffocate you, inside to outside.

With the news of a second suicide in one week, I feel like I have to open up, get some of these feelings out. We all know someone who has committed suicide. I still remember the first time it happened when I was a child. I couldn't understand how someone would want take their own life, especially when we all loved them so much.

But that's the problem. We get so busy, we get so wrapped up in our own worlds. We get so wrapped up in our own battles and forget that others are also fighting their own battles. We forget to remind our friends and family that they're important to us, that we love them more than anything, no matter what. 

I've shared about my eating disorders in the past. Many of you also know that I was raped as a child and assaulted while in college. Those are things that happened to me, they aren't me and they don't define me. They are a part of who I am. What you don't know is that those things still manage to eat me alive inside. It's not every day, it's not every second. Sometimes those feelings sneak up out of nowhere and they make me feel so worthless.

How can someone love me when I don't love myself? How can someone love me when these things have happened to me? 

I feel disgusting sometimes. I feel worthless. I feel like my life isn't important. My tunnel vision gets so bad that I can't see the light, I feel like my vision is clouded and it feels like it's never going to get better.

On those days, I have to fight so hard to see the light, to see the positives in my life. I'm so thankful for the life I do have and the people in my life. I don't always know how to fight off these feelings that I get. Writing has really become an outlet for me. I feel like if I'm open and honest about what I'm going through, maybe I can help someone else. Helping others makes me feel good, it makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. 

We all have our demons, even if you can't always see them. It's so important for us to work on building each other up instead of constantly tearing each other down. Life is hard enough without having criticizing someone for being different or having a different opinion than our own. 

Not one person is alike. We all share differences of opinion. We all have different passions, hopes, dreams, ambitions, goals.

We need to be better. Better at understanding. Better at listening, better at providing comfort, better at building each other up. 

This is my plea to you, wherever you are, show love and support to others, even when you don't understand why they are the way they are. Encourage others to seek help if they need it. Be a friend. Remind the people in your life that you're there, that you love them and that you care. 

SUICIDE PREVENTION: suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-8255