PCSD...

PCSD...I call it post-competition stress disorder. It may or may not be a real thing, but for me, it's definitely real.

Since stepping on stage on April 22nd, I've continued to hit the gym. With that being said, I haven't been eating as clean as I was during my 125 day transformation. I've felt a little bloated  and can tell I'm not as tight and shapely as I was when I competed. 

I was feeling okay about myself until I had my first post-competition measurements done. The verdict: I've gained more than 2% body fat. My first reaction was to completely freak out. In fact, I almost cried. Am I really flushing 125 days worth of hard work down the drain because I like cookies so much?

The answer is NO! I'm not giving up and I'm not backing down on how far I've come, I still have so much more to work for. I want so badly to gain muscle while staying lean. 

Mentally, I feel like I'm losing it. Obtaining competition weight and physique is possible. Maintaining competition weight and physique is not healthy, especially if your goal is to build muscle. I could easily look like a string bean year round by sticking to a clean diet, but that's not my goal.

Muscles need fuel. But guess what that means? I have to eat. 

I've written about my struggles with body image and eating disorders in the past. The good days definitely outshine the bad, but those feelings of self-doubt, insecurity and anxiety still catch me off-guard sometimes. In my mind, eating more protein and carbs is going to make me get fat. The reality is, eating more clean food, higher in protein and carbs, is going to give my muscles the nutrients they need to grow. As long as I continue to work hard, and lift heavy, I'm going to be fine!

I hate the voices inside my head! They make me feel worthless some days. Other days, I feel like I'm capable of anything and everything. Anxiety is a terrible monster. Insecurity is a terrible monster. Depression is a terrible monster. I'm beyond blessed to have so many incredibly supportive friends who help me fight through days like today. 

The hard truth is that many of us feel this way but we don't always talk about it. We set goals for ourselves and when we fall short or don't accomplish them, we feel worthless. The best thing we can do is keep fighting, keep battling and no matter what, we can't give up. 

When you feel discouraged, stop what you're doing, take a deep breath in, and look at how far you've come. Remember, it's not always about the destination, it's about the journey. 

Like Coach Mark Mangino says, Keep sawin' wood.