Get out of my head!

I haven’t written a post in a while but I’m definitely not slacking on the social media selfies. You know what’s insane? There are only 10 days left until the Rocky Mountain Musclemania competition. That means I’ve been on this journey for more than 100 days now. Honestly, it blows my mind. Now is the perfect time for me to reflect on this process.

Speaking of my mind, there have been so many days lately where I actually feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t tell you how many times during the last few weeks where I have really looked at myself and thought “I can’t do this. My body is not ready. I don’t have a butt. I still have cellulite. I’m awkward. I don’t look as good as the other girls. I don’t have the best theme wear. I don’t look good in booty shorts. I’m tired. Are my muscles even growing? What was I thinking? Am I really ready?” Those are thoughts that have flooded my mind and I probably think them on a daily basis.

But it then I stop myself. I didn’t decided to take this journey for anyone but myself. When I say that out loud, it sounds really selfish. I don’t want to get a healthy, strong body and mind for anyone but myself. If I did, I wouldn’t have made it this far. I would’ve given up after a few weeks like I have with so many other goals I’ve set in the past.

That’s one of the biggest, most valuable lessons I’ve learned on this journey. If you really commit to a goal, you can achieve it. As cliche as it sounds, nothing is impossible. You’re mind is the only thing stopping you from succeeding.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love food. I’m on my way to feeling comfortable in my own skin. Before this journey, I never really loved myself. If you know me, you know my story.

When I was 12, I was raped by my next door neighbor. I never told anyone, including my parents, until I was 16. I kept that pain inside and I let it eat me alive. I hated myself. I felt disgusting. I starved myself and if I decided to eat, I made myself puke. I was ashamed. I sought attention any way I could get it. That was one of the darkest times in my life.

When I went off to college, I got a new start. New friends, a new city, a fresh outlook. The world really was my canvas. I set my goals so high and got involved in as many activities as I could. Somehow, though, I still never felt like I was enough. I felt lost. I always found a way to screw up whatever I touched, or so I thought.

See, that’s the thing about me, my mind always gets in the way. Or maybe that’s the excuse I use.

I’m the worst at following through with my goals, dreams and aspirations. I graduated college, sure. That was a big goal of mine. But as I look back now, I can’t say that I gave it my 110%.

I have given this new lifestyle change 110%. I haven’t cut corners. I haven’t missed workouts. I haven’t cheated on my diet. I’ve spent endless weekends practicing my posing.

When I step on stage on April 22nd for Musclemania Colorado, I will be doing it as a new version of myself. A stronger mind and a stronger body. I will do it knowing that I did absolutely everything in my power to be the best version of myself. I’m going to feel proud.

The journey doesnt stop on April 22nd. This is a new lifestyle for me. I’m committed to reinventing myself. I’ve come this far, why stop now? I have a new list of goals and a new focus. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the ability to fully commit to life.

Even more important, if I can do this, you can do this!