I'm going to get a little vulnerable with you for a moment. We all have demons; sometimes they're around constantly, other times, they show up unexpectedly.
In the past, I've shared with you about my eating disorder. I have so much anxiety about relapsing that it's eating me alive. After getting fit and healthy, I look at myself and still feel unsatisfied. I can find the littlest area of fat on my body and convince myself that I'm "getting fat". While I know it's not true, I can't get the feelings to go away, no matter what I do.
I have an insane case of body dysmorphia. If you don't know what it is, here's the definition:
A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined. But the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise to excess.
People with this disorder may frequently examine their appearance in a mirror, constantly compare their appearance with that of others, and avoid social situations or photos.
I'm having a very hard time this week. Every time I eat, I feel sick. I'm to the point where I don't know if there's actually something wrong, or if I'm somehow suppressing anxiety about my eating disorder and I'm unconsciously not wanting to eat. I know that in order to gain lean muscle, I'm going to have to gain weight. I've been so scale conscious that my scale is now hidden.
I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling. I want to be strong, fit and healthy. I love seeing my muscles grow, it gives me confidence.
Anxiety is real. If you've ever dealt with it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, please try to give a little extra love and encouragement to your friends who have or are.
Writing, lifting and podcasting are my release. I always feel that if I could at least help one person with my words, then being open and vulnerable are worth it.
Sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan it. Grin, bear it, fight, and eventually you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel. And if you don't find a way, make one.